Chemistry Jokes

Who says science jokes are not funny? Below you can see some of the best Chemistry jokes we know, along with short explanations to the more obscure of them.

Do you know any funny Chemistry jokes yourself? Let us know in the comment section below.


Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

Explanation
Helium is noble gas and noble gases do not react with other chemicals.


So oxygen and potassium went on a date. It went OK.

Explanation
The symbol for oxygen is O and the symbol for potassium is K.


“What do you do with a sick chemist?”
“If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.”

Explanation
Helium, Curium and Barium are chemical elements, which sound like “heal him”, “cure him” and “burry him”.


“What’s the first thing you should learn in chemistry?”
“Never lick the spoon.”

Explanation
Chemists use spoons to mix (often) poisonous solutions.


“Why are chemists perfect for solving problems?”
“Because they have all the solutions.”

Explanation
“Solution” has two meanings – as in problem solution and chemical solution.


“How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?”
“Ask them to pronounce ‘unionized’.”

Explanation
The word “unionized” has two meanings, which are pronounced differently. One of them is “characterized by the presence of labor unions”, and the other one is “not converted into ions”.


A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks:
“Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate 1-carboxyvinyl transferase?”
Shopkeeper:
“You mean Roundup?”
Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”


“My teacher threw Sodium Chloride at me. That’s a salt.”

Explanation
“A salt” (Sodium Chloride) sounds like “assault”.


“If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.”

Explanation
The precipitate is a substance separated from the solution during a chemical process.


A conversation between two atoms:
“I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m positive.”

Explanation
Since electrons are negative particles, when an atom loses one, it becomes positively charged.


“I tried to tell a chemistry joke at school last week. No reaction.”

Explanation
Wordplay with the phrase “chemical reaction”.


“Why can’t you trust atoms?”
“Because they make up everything.”

Explanation
Everything in the world is made of atoms.


A neutron walks into a bar, asks how much a drink costs. The bartender replies: “For you, no charge.”

Explanation
Protons have positive charge, electrons have negative charge, and neutrons have no/neutral charge.


“What is a cation afraid of?”
“Dogions.”

Explanation
A cation is a positively charged ion. This is a wordplay joke with cats and dogs.


“What does a subatomic duck say?”
“Quark!”

Explanation
Quarks are subatomic particles.


“Why did the bear dissolve in water?”
“Because it was polar.”

Explanation
Polar solutes dissolve in water.


“What do you call an educated tube?”
“A graduated cylinder.”

Explanation
A graduated cylinder a tube used by chemists for measuring liquids.


“Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, “I will have some H2O.” The second one says, “I will have some H2O too.” He dies.

Explanation
“H2O” means “water”. “H2O too” sounds like “H2O2”, which means hydrogen peroxide and is deadly.


“Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium BATMAN!”

Explanation
Sodium’s symbol is “Na”. “Na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!” is the intro theme from the classic Batman TV series.


“What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel, and iron?”
“A KNiFe.”

Explanation
K, Ni, and Fe are the symbols for potassium, nickel, and iron in the periodic table.

Philosophy Jokes

Who says science jokes are not funny? Below you can see some of the best Philosophy jokes we know, along with short explanations to the more obscure of them.

Do you know any funny Philosophy jokes yourself? Let us know in the comment section below.


Descartes goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. He finishes his beer, and the bartender says, “Descartes, would you like another?” Descartes responds, “I think not” and POOF! he disappears.

Explanation
The most famous quote of Descartes is “I think; therefore I am.”


“How did the solipsist break up with his girlfriend?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.”

Explanation
Every solipsist believes that they are the only one who is known to exist.


The dean asks the head of the physics department to see him.
“Why are you using so many resources? All those labs and experiments and whatnot; this is getting expensive! Why can’t you be more like mathematicians – they only need pens, paper, and a trash bin. Or philosophers – they only need pens and paper!”


“What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”

Explanation
The sentence itself is a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question.


A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.
A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again. The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?” The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.


“What was Nietzsche’s day job?”
“Post-man…”


Two behaviorists are having sex. When they have finished, one turns to the other and says, “That was good for you. Was it good for me?”


“How did Kant manage to write The Critique of Pure Reason?”
“He made the time.”


Zeno walks halfway into a bar…
The masochist said to the sadist “hurt me”, but the sadist said “no”.

Programming Jokes

Who says science jokes are not funny? Below you can see some of the best Programming jokes we know, along with short explanations to the more obscure of them.

Do you know any funny Programming jokes yourself? Let us know in the comments section below.


“What is the object-oriented way to become wealthy?”
“Inheritance.”

Explanation

Inheritance is one of the main mechanisms of object-oriented programming.


“Why did the programmer quit his job?”
“Because he did not get arrays.”

Explanation
Array is a data structure in programming. This is a wordplay with “a raise”.


“Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?”
“Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.”

Explanation
The number 31 in the Octal number system equals the number 25 in the Decimal number system.


“0 is False and 1 is True, correct?”
“1.”

Explanation
This answer does not give any information.


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!” To this, the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

Explanation
In programming, there are two types of problems with the code – warnings and errors. Warnings do not necessarily prevent the code from executing properly, so they are not that worrhsome.


Why computers are like men:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

“What do you call a programmer from Finland?”
“Nerdic”.

Explanation
This is a wordplay with the word nerdy and Nordic.


“Why do Java programmers need to wear glasses?”
“Because they do not C#.”

Explanation
Java and C# are two different programming languages.


99 little bugs in the code.
99 bugs in the code.
Take one down, patch it around.
100 little bugs in the code.

Explanation
This is a modification of the famous “99 bottles of beer”. In coding, it often happens that you fix one bug and then few others appear.


The programmer got stuck in the shower because the instructions on the shampoo said “Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

Explanation
The instructions created a loop without terminating conditions.


“I don’t see women as objects. I consider each of them in a class of her own.”

Explanation
A joke related to object-oriented programming.


An SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”

Explanation
“SQL JOIN” is a clause which is used to combine two or more tables.